Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
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