I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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