You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Randomize
