He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
