just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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