i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
