Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
