Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
