Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Randomize
