Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
