What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize