Hey man sorry I got all grabby
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
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