I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
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