we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
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