Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Randomize
