ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
i can't help myself.. i am just so in love with the kitchen manager.
...he was wearing JNCO shorts.. i'm pretty sure i saw the dragon.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
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Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
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Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
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