we dont do blackfin have a good night :)
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
