There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
