i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
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