i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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