she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
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