New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
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