Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
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