We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
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