Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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