When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
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