i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Randomize
