I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
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Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
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The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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