corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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