Do you still have your period?
READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
