Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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