First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
how does that bad decision feel?
Randomize
