Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
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NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
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All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
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