I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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