i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Ketchup is God's man juice
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
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