We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Randomize
