those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
