well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
