I never want to see another naked old woman again.
let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
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