Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
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