Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
