Jerry, you need to find god
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
