We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
