Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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