I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
