Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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