he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
