I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
25 Facts Men Don’t Know About Women Until They Live Together
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
These 19 People Imagine Others When Banging Their SO
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER