I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Randomize
