how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
