my phone needs a breathalizer
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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