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Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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