i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize
