So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
