I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
