sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
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I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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